The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story (Epilogue added 4 years later)

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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#16 Postby Ultimarad » Fri Jan 18, 2008 5:15 am

This is getting exciting. :D
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#17 Postby Jlyons » Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:37 am

I like where you ended this chapter. Kinda gets your mind thinking where that little side-mission is going to end up.

I do have one big problem that I need to address with you, though. Those comma splices and insane run-ons are burning my eyes. At times, it can be hard to read what you've written. I'd take some time before you post the next chapter to make sure it looks good before you post it.

Other than that, I really like where you've taken this story so far.
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#18 Postby Hari » Fri Jan 18, 2008 1:39 pm

It keeps getting better and better. *.* ;) ^^ 8D
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#19 Postby Krazybones » Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:22 pm

-screams- MORE :)

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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#20 Postby Damasca Ramza » Wed Jan 23, 2008 4:45 am

Chapter 5: Victory or Death

We began to sneak through bushes, hide behind trees, determined to find where this possible commander was so we could destroy him, her or it, “Lord Spar, why don't we look in Ivilis? We might find some clues there as to who it is” I suggested quietly, “I won't let Spar go Damasca, go alone!” a voice said, I turned around, it was Orion and he was pissed, Mieke floated along looking concerned.

“Orion, don't talk to him that way!” Lord Spar said, “ I refuse to let you go into Ivillis, let Damasca do it, I refuse to let you go and die!” he yelled, “Orion, keep it down, we're trying to stay undercover you idiot.” I spat back in response, anger obvious in my voice, Orion got out his stick and was furious, “If you were really my brother's Knight you'd insist he stay behind for his well being!” and he smacked me over the head and knocked me off my feet with his stick and I rolled backwards and would have rolled off the edge if I hadn't grabbed onto a rock and pulled myself back up, anger in my eyes, my anger was flaring more then a fire when you put oil on it.

“ORION! SIT BOY!” Spar yelled and Orion fell to the ground, “Damasca! Do not dare to hurt him!” Lord Spar ordered, I nodded and stood there, “Orion, I'm doing this out of my free will, Damasca has accepted that and agreed to not try and stop me, just because you know of my condition doesn't mean I'm not able to help Damasca! I'm going whether or not you try to stop me, so SIT!” Lord Spar practically yelled.

“Well well, what do we have here....” and a woman stepped out from behind a tree, she looked like a BowRanger, I flinched a little, I was useless against Rangers, as was Mieke, if we were hit with Silent Shot we could do nothing, Lord Spar would have to handle this if we were hit, regardless of the fact I can't do any damage to a Ranger due to been a Magician and her been over 15 levels higher at least.

“What do you want?” Lord Spar asked, “Well, I have many reasons why I'm here, one is cause I'm meant to kill anyone who tries to stop us, meaning I intend to kill everyone trying to stop us conquering Madrigal” she answered, I slapped my forehead, stupid villians spilling their secrets, she pulled out her bow, a arrow from her quiver and pointed it at me and said “Magey boy will be the first” and she fired, I ducked and she missed me and the arrow fell and hit a Rockmuscle by accident.

“Stay still and die!” she yelled and shot numerous arrows at me as I ran to dodge them, both Orion and Lord Spar using Quick Run, she was too determined to kill me that she failed to notice Mieke using Satanology, freezing the Ranger in place and then hitting her with Spirit Bomb and the Ranger fell to her knees as she coughed up blood.

“That......hurt.” and she went to pick up her bow and shoot one of us but Mieke merely hit her with Spirit Bomb again and she fell over dead, “Death by Spirit Bombing, anyone else but me find that strange?” I asked.


“Orion, I'm going to Ivilis with Damasca and you can't stop me, if you try to I will use the S word, coming Damasca?” Lord Spar said, “Right behind you My Lord” I answered and began to walk off, “I guess I better go with you then......” Orion said, “Me too, I'm coming foo, you might need my help” Mieke said right after Orion, Lord Spar sighed and answered “Fine, but if you screw up our mission Orion I'm gonna rip you a new one!” and Orion's eyes went wide with fear.

As we walked to outside of Ivilis the others nodded at me and went in, I went in, but before I did I asked myself “Why do I get the feeling I'll be hearing Game Over music pretty soon...”, shrugged and walked in, here goes nothing I guess.

We walked into the caves, it looked errie, but this was nothing compared to nearly been drowned as a child several times and Rhisis knows what else happened to me, I simply walked behind Lord Spar but in front of Orion and Mieke, we came across a monster Lord Spar called a Red Otem and he buffed me and as I was about to fight it Mieke used Spirit Bomb numerous times on it , “Show-off” I muttered.

I could hear the fighting resume outside, I heard Kuri scream as it was likely she saw someone's head ripped off or killed in some way, I longed to help her, she then appeared and stumbled, she had blood all over her and a gash in both arms, Orion dashed up and healed her and healed the wounds, I ran up and hugged my sister, she was in pain and crying and returned the hug “Nii-san, why are you in here?” she asked me when she finished crying, “Me, Lord Spar, Mieke and Orion are going to try and find if the person or persons responsible for this are here” I answered, I would not lie to my sister, “I'm going with you then, you could always use a extra healer.” she said.

I nodded, what was the harm in having a extra healer? I looked at Lord Spar, who nodded, Mieke who nodded, Orion who looked kinda jealous for some reason, but nodded, “Ok, you can come with us, but if a agro starts attacking, run for it, I can't gurantee your safety by coming with us.” I said, “You never can” she answered and looked away.

“Well, I guess we better get going” and I started to walk off, in my mind, if we succeeded here it'd be victory for all of Madrigal,if we failed, it'd be death for everyone who didn't submit, my stoic look turned to hatred and anger, I would not die, I would not lose, I will make sure we win, no matter what!
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#21 Postby Ultimarad » Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:47 am

This is gettin' better and better. 8D
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#22 Postby Damasca Ramza » Tue Feb 05, 2008 3:05 am

NOTE: This chapter is a bit more dark, maturish and such then the last chapter.

CHAPTER 6: No other way
“Nii-san?” Kuri asked me as I laid against the walls of a corridor in Ivilis, we were resting briefly, we had been fighting for some time and when we finished I had fallen to my knees hard in fatigue that I was sure consumed the others too, Lord Spar had stepped away because of his “condition” and I feared for him, how much longer did he have left?

“Yes sister?” I replied, “Your looking pale, maybe you should get out of Ivilis” she answered, “No” I said as I stood up, “I will handle this alongside Lord Spar, Mieke, Orion and you.” and I fell to my knees again and the others admired my determination but laughed at my fatigue as I scowled at them, “Get some sleep Damasca, we can't have you fatigued.” Lord Spar instructed, I nodded and my and I fell asleep with zero effort.

I awoke after hearing a extremely loud crash near me and saw Mieke using her Psykeeper powers on Ivilis Crashers, that had ambushed us,, I woke up and I felt somewhat vitalised but I had to do my share, Orion was Full INT so he couldn't fight, Kuri wasn't a high enough level yet to handle them, I began to repeatedly Mental Strike any that Lord Spar or Mieke did not attack or notice as Kuri would buff me and heal me if I took damage of any kind, Orion was buffing both Mieke and Lord Spar and when not healing one he would scowl at me, as if this was all my fault that there was a war, or maybe that Lord Spar was forced to fight, or maybe he wanted to kick my ass, I didn't know or care.

After some time, the Ivilis Crashers began to stop attacking us and the hoards just disappeared from our area, we then continued on, Orion healed all of us and restored our strength, then as we walked through Ivilis we heard a huge crash off to the north west and we ran off to that direction.

“Oh great going Damasca, you got us stuck in a hoard of Red Otems!” Orion yelled at me, holding his Stick, which really wasn't that scary, I simply ignored him as the Red Otems charged at us, Mieke drew them all to her and began using Maximum Crisis and obliterated them as Orion tried to strike me with his Stick, I blocked his Stick with my Wand and remained calm, he then tried to knee me in the stomach, I was winded and as he went to kick me in the face he yelled “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! SPAR'S GONNA DIE BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU BASTARD!”

Lord Spar yelled at the top of his lungs with a fury I had only witnessed once or twice “FOR BUBBLE'S SAKE ORION! SIT THE HELL DOWN BOY!” and he made a loud THWACK sound on the stone floor of the Ivillis Temple.

“Nii-san? You ok?!” Kuri asked, worrying a little, “I guess so, but why the hell is he been so horrible to me? I didn't say he had to come.” I answered as I sat up and shook my head, I could of very easily stood up and kicked Orion or worse, but I could understand he was looking to blame someone for Lord Spar been here and was blaming the “Knight”, I sighed.

“SPAR! YOU ARE COMING WITH ME AND WE ARE LEAVING IVILLIS! RIGHT NOW! I REFUSE TO LET YOU FIGHT WITH YOUR CONDITION!” Orion yelled at Lord Spar, “Orion, your my twin brother and I love you, but I was asked to help Damasca through this and I will see it through, he knows I can protect myself, so stop been such a panicy and whiny- And as Lord Spar said whiny he punched Orion in the face – BRAT!”

“Lord Spar, you might want to continue this later...” I said to him, “Why's that?” he asked back, “Well, it can't be the fact we're meant to be sneaking and we've obviously attracted the attention of the enemy and they're standing in all 3 entrances to where we are now can it?” I said, I had noticed them approaching attempting to be stealthily, and failing miserably at it when Orion winded me.

“Well well well, if it isn't the weaking asslicking Billposter Sparrowhawk, why not just give in and I'll kill you now” a Assist said mocking him, which automatically angered me, I stepped in front of Lord Spar and said “Apologize, now, and I won't utterly obliterate you.” with a snarl to my voice that Kuri recognised and stepped back.

“Oh go to hell Magician, your the scum of our world, and been the asslicker's Knight makes you more of a asslicker then him, do you please him and sate his lusts at night?” he asked, as the others laughed and he swung at me, I blocked with my shield and emitted a roar of fury.

“I said apologize..- and I hit him with a Static Ball that sent him flying – and when I say to apologize... YOU BETTER DAMN WELL DO IT!” and my rage sang, filling me completely, all I could think to do, was make the Assist suffer, and that I did, continiously using Mental Strike on him, I suspected he was AoE Build, due to him not been dead yet, he began to start trying to hit me with his Knuckle and I blocked, and when a hit did hit me, I felt no pain, the rage was like steroids, minus the addictive part.

“Run foolish Assist! RUN SO I CAN MAKE YOUR DEATH PROLONGED!” I yelled as he ran and I then hit him with one last Mental Strike and his body crumpled and fell to the ground, I roared in triumph and then turned to others and began using Mental Strike on them, they all fell to the ground dead, “Hmph, no sport huh... Oh well, time to kill the rest of you bastards!” I yelled and only those who were a second job ran for it before they were killed.

“Hmph, the day is yours, enjoy it while you can” a Psykeeper in a Teba Set said and as he turned to leave Mieke froze him in place as Lord Spar buffed her and they fought, constantly shooting each other with Spirit Bomb, Maximum Crisis and many other spells, I was killing off those who weren't
lucky enough to run, my rage growing and growing as was my bloodlust, I wanted to kill them, I was killing them, I was going to make a difference!

“Nii-san! Please, stop!” Kuri yelled as I was about to kill a Acrobat who seemed to be a low level, who had probably been forced to come along, she had fear in her eyes and tears as well, I snarled, my anger conquering my common sense, “She is on their side Kuri! She must die!” I yelled back, “DAMASCA! I order you to leave her alone! DO AS I ASK! For Amanda's sake!” Lord Spar yelled at me and hearing my beloved's name slowly, but surely quelled my rage, I stepped back, “G-go... Get out of here Acrobat girl.” I said and gave her a Blinkwing to Flaris, she nodded timidly, used it and said “Thank you for not killing me” and vanished.

Moments later I punched a wall and broke down into tears, realising what I had done, I had killed innocents who had picked the wrong side or were forced to join, I fell to my knees, “What...have I done? I killed them... DAMMIT!” and I punched the ground as my tears slid down my face and splashed the ground.

“Damasca... Was that... the blind rage you mentioned?” Mieke asked me, she wasn't looking at me with eyes of hatred or disgust or anything bad, she looked me at with understanding and compassion, and that one look had told me “I know you didn't have control over what you
did, it's ok” and I stood up.

“It was... and I had hoped no one would ever see me in it.” I answered, looking away from the group, “Nii-san..” and Kuri hugged me and held me close to her, soothing me in the way she knew how to, Orion was looking at me, he looked amused in a way and at the same time, scared I might break into my rage once more, I shook my head to tell him that I wouldn't go into a blind rage again and then Lord Spar smiled.

“It was kinda scary, but at the same time amazing to see you fight Damasca, that Assist must of really hated us for some reason, oh well, when your ready we'll keep going.” he said and then turned away.

As Kuri soothed me I felt remorse and thought “I vow to myself to never let my anger get the better of me again, if it happens again, I might... I might kill someone I care for... I can't let that happen...” and I began to fall asleep, “Your not sleeping in my arms Nii-san” she replied and everyone laughed, I got up and laid against a wall and fell asleep, I would need rest after what I did, and I intended to get it.
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#23 Postby SparDanger » Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:38 pm

Dammit, ran out of popcorn! Loving the story DM. ;)
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#24 Postby Damasca Ramza » Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:40 pm

Sparrowhawk wrote:Dammit, ran out of popcorn! Loving the story DM. ;)


I wish you'd write more of yours.
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#25 Postby SparDanger » Wed Feb 06, 2008 3:39 am

DM wrote:
Sparrowhawk wrote:Dammit, ran out of popcorn! Loving the story DM. ;)


I wish you'd write more of yours.

I'm hoping to have Chapter five up soon. >_>;
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#26 Postby Jlyons » Wed Feb 06, 2008 4:45 pm

Sparrowhawk wrote:Dammit, ran out of popcorn! Loving the story DM. ;)


*grabs some more popcorn and shares with Spar* Gotta hand it to you, DM... this is getting better with every passing chapter. A few comments though:

Positives:
You seem to do better when fewer characters are involved in a chapter. Plot and character development look more cohesive in chapters 5 and 6 compared to 1-4.
Emotions are very easy to sense with the dialog. I can easily imagine the characters in chapters 5 and 6 saying most of their dialog in-game.

Negatives:
There are still bits and pieces that are hard to follow. However, that's something that will fix itself, for the most part, with practice. It's definitely been better as the chapters progressed though, so I wouldn't worry too much about it just yet.
This might be a personal preference here, but I would've split this into two chapters: everything leading up to the assist attacking, and everything leading up to that group's withdrawal. I'm a sucker for a cliffhanger, and if most of your audience is like me in that regard (idk if they are though), a good cliffhanger next chapter will draw your readers into the story even more.

Other thoughts:
It seems your story focuses on the characters, not the plot itself. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet. Regardless, I wanted to make sure you knew about it, just in case you had other intentions with the story.
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#27 Postby Damasca Ramza » Tue Feb 12, 2008 4:56 am

Chapter 7: It's all over.

After I had rested and mourned for those I killed, we then continued to go further into the Ivillis Temple, as we walked I developed a sense of doom that got worse every step I took, like I was been warned of something.

Kuri looked at me, she was worried about me, and she was scared, I assumed because of the Blind Rage I went into not too long ago, I suspected everyone was on edge about me, I hadn't thought too much about it.

As we reached a fork in the paths I looked at both roads, both looked the same to me “I suggest the left path.” I said, “No, we're going right!” Orion yelled at me with a look of anger, which I ignored, “Well, I'm going left whether you like it or not.” and I walked off down the left path.

“Damasca! Stop!” Lord Spar yelled as he walked up to me. “Why are you acting like this?” he asked, “Because none of you are acting normal, your all acting like I'm gonna kill you all, your acting like...you don't trust me.” I replied.

“You did go into a blind rage we've never seen you go into and killed around thirty people you know.” Lord Spar retorted. “I already feel bad enough as it is Lord Spar, do you have to remind
me!”

And as I said that I walked off, “Nii-San!” Kuri called, “Stay with them Kuri!” I yelled as I walked off from the group.

As I walked through the Ivillis Temple alone, I would spot a sentry or two every now and then,
mostly Mercs or Mages, I would simply stun them, no more innocent blood needed to be spilt
by my hand.

“You never cease to amaze me Damasca” a deep voice said from the north west of me, I looked and saw a Assist wearing a Wedge Suit, a Fist of Revenge on his right hand and a Vortex Shield on his left arm.

“Oladin, I'd say nice to see you but right now I have better things to do, like finding the leader of this useless war that's leading the Rockmuscles.” I replied, Oladin was a old rival of mine I met as a Vagrant, he then led me to Saint Morning and assured me we could defeat anything, he then betrayed me and had tried to kill me, luckily at the time Lord Spar was around and he had scared him and the mobs trying to kill me off.

“Well, it happens that I am he who you seek old foe, I lead this, all in my goal to conquer Madrigal and finally dispose of you as I intended on eight months ago!” he yelled, “Why? Why bother doing all this when you could of fought me one on one!” I asked, “I always enjoyed going for the grand effect Damasca, you know that.” he answered with a laugh.

“I hear you have a girlfriend and fiance now, I have no doubt she'd be sick of you, perhaps after I kill you, she will come crying to me and I'll make her mine” he said with a evil smile, I let no emotion betray my calm exterior, but on the inside I stirred with anger, as any loving boyfriend would if their girlfriend was in any kind of danger.

“You will never lay a hand on her Oladin, and the most you can and will ever do is make me laugh before our score is settled, now old foe, if your so desperate to kill me, now will be the only chance you get to try, for after this, one of us will be dead, for whilst you breathe, I will not rest, you will pay for the attempt on my life eight months ago!” I said to him, drawing my Branch of Rhisis and placing my Vortex Shield on my arm.

“I hear that you killed thirty of my army, when I kill you, it will be for them as much as for me.” he smirked, “Well, that was your fault really, but believe what you please.” I replied, and he jumped and went to punch me from above.

I merely jumped backwards, swinging my wand as I cast Mental Strike on him repeatedly as he winced in pain and staggered a little on landing, I had a strong feeling he was suffering from the pain but he continued to fight and continued to throw punch after punch of me which I would either block with my Vortex Shield (I would need a new one soon) or nimbly dodge, whilst casting Mental Strike on him, the monsters ignoring the fight trying to get away I assumed.

“Damasca, why won't you just die!” he yelled at me after he had taken around ten Mental Strikes, he pulled back his arm, using a Straight Punch, I moved my left arm in front of me and all I heard was a loud CRACK as my shield broke and with it so too did the bone in my arm, “Well well, even you feel pain afterall, well, I'm willing to play dirty to have you wiped from existance foolish one, had you died eight months ago this would not have happened.” he said with a huge smirk.

He then made a arc symbol with his knuckle and I looked around and saw five Acrobats standing at five points like a star and all had arrows in their bows, awaiting the order to fire and kill me, “Once you die Damasca, your fiance, regardless of willingness, will be mine for the rest of her life!” he said, circling me, taunting me, laughing at me.

“She will never be yours, for as I said Oladin, if either of us is to die, it will be you and you alone, say your prayers, they're the last words you'll utter.” and as I said that, I swung and dealt one last Mental Strike to him, he then started bleeding from his ears, nose and mouth as his life left him and he fell to his knees, then to the ground, dead, victory was mine, the war was over, but there was one last battle.

“You.....killed.......Oladin...our leader...” one Acrobat said, “Now we kill you Mage!” and they all pulled the bowstring back, I closed my eyes, not wanting to see the arrows pierce and kill me.

But suddenly, there was a purple flash and I opened my eyes, the five Acrobats were lying dead on the ground, “Maximum Crisis foo” I turned around and saw Mieke floating there smiling at me, I was shocked, Mieke had never smiled at me, “I saw the whole fight Damasca.” she said, “You fought better then I expected.”

I nodded and found myself falling and I felt my body hit the ground as I blacked out and knew no more.

As I awoke I was in the Saint Morning hospital, a female body of such beauty lying next to me, it was amanda2007, my fiance and beloved, she was holding me close to her as I was lying there in the bed, she was lying there with me, holding me close to her, as comfort I guess.

“He's awake!” Amanda said and kissed me, “You ok baby?” she asked me as tears slid down her cheeks, I wiped them away and answered “Never better”.

I looked up and looked around the room, I saw Lord Spar, Jly, Orion, Mieke, Paw, Kuri, Ultimarad and many other of my friends standing in the room, smiling at me, as Amanda laid next to me, “So how'd I get here?” I asked anyone in general.

“Sparrowhawk carried you out.” Mieke answered, “You passed out and moments later Sparrowhawk entered, he picked you up and carried you out on his back and then got you here.”

“So, is the war over?” I asked, “Yeah, Mieke said the Assist who died trying to kill you admitted to been the leader, so you saved all of Madrigal by going on your own” Jly said to me, “So, I'm a hero?” I asked, “You always were” Amanda said and she kissed me again.

Afterwards there was a party and I was crowned “The Magician Hero” and some of my friends made a big deal out of it and embarrassed me as I laughed, but you know what?

In the end, I wouldn't have it any other way.
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#28 Postby Dan » Tue Feb 12, 2008 3:59 pm

Epic! :D
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#29 Postby Ultimarad » Wed Feb 13, 2008 4:25 am

I love the happy ending. ^^
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Re: The Magician Hero-FlyFF Story

#30 Postby SparDanger » Fri Feb 15, 2008 8:07 am

Yay! I'm glad the good guys won. :3
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